If I Could Turn Back Time…and Clean the Slate

As I am venturing on the cusp of obtaining yet another job…not a “dream job” just moving forward out of necessity, I guess these questions are burning in my head...again.

I keep thinking that if I could only begin again then this time things would be different…but would they really?

I know I’ve changed and grown up a bit…but still my main personality traits and overall “essence” hasn’t. I think if I asked a random sampling of 100—people I know from all facets of my life – my family, close friends, former co-workers and supervisors, former boyfriends, acquaintances, old friends who I’ve connected with again through social media, new friends who I haven’t known that long or that well – they would all say closely the same thing and describe me the same way. I’m not quite sure exactly what they would say but I think it would be pretty close…

So, what that tells me is even if I “started over” – with finances, my career, my love life, other relationships, physically, intellectually, etc. – I pretty much would be in the same place. I’m sure a few things would be different and they may actually be some major compartments of my life.

I really want to create a survey and send it out with a request that people I know from all these different areas of my life take 10 minutes out of their busy schedules to If I could start with a fresh financial clean slate – any and all blemishes on my credit history would just vanish - no hovering bills to speak of except the everyday ones that I would have from here on out (even my car would be in tip top shape so no worries there at the moment – only rent, cable, cell phone, utilities, insurance, food, gas, basic incidentals – and all the rest would just disappear…would it make a difference?

Have I truly learned from my mistakes and if given the chance – would I make the same ones?

If I turned back the clock and paid attention to that lil ‘ol biological clock that was ticking in the background, would I have tried harder to fulfill my whole with Motherhood? Would I have made more of a concerted effort to work at finding “the one” using all tools at my disposal?

Would I have worked harder on finding my confidence sooner than I have? Would I have really and truly stopped, given up the dream that I haven’t even nurtured since turning my back on it and done the work to find out what I really want to do professionally and take the right steps and strides to make that happen instead of just continuing to flail around and end up taking jobs out of necessity?

And if I could magically jump in my Delorean and go back to when I was in my teens and start all over again…would I really chose to take that risk and see if things turn out the same way? Would I, could I? Okay…now I have the song “Memories” in my head – full on with Barbra Streisand’s melodious, husky, emotional making it hard for me to hold back a few dangling tears…

I guess I’ll never know. I’m on a path now, one that I didn’t plan and I keep trying to change, but I know I haven’t worked hard enough at making those changes that I want, that I can control and are still feasible.

It would be very nice to start from scratch…especially with the things that are possible at this juncture – finding what I was meant to do with my life – and do it. Do it well and love doing it. Pay off my outstanding bills, get out from under my financial woes, and start a new path to financial maturity. Find and fall in love with my Soul mate. Make a life that I’m proud to live and where I can make my mark on the world to leave behind.

So…no time machine to turn the clock back – just two feet to move my life forward, make smart choices, and take action to make the changes that I can make that will get me to new goals and make those dreams come true.

Hibernation

I just came to the realization last night while sitting all snuggled up on my parents’ couch that one of the key reasons I come back to Massachusetts every year, in the winter, is so I can hibernate – at least for a few weeks.  I’m truly an East Coast Girl even though I have lived in SoCal for almost 20 years.

Yes. Spending quality time with my parents definitely factors into the equation – as well as seeing the rest of my family & some friends during the holidays.

BUT, I don’t feel very guilty when I hunker down in the house and do, well, nothing. I go to bed late, sleep late, don’t take a shower every day and sometimes even stay in my PJs all day. I watch “Jeopardy” every night (the one time of the day when NO ONE calls because they know what time it is and that Jeani won’t pick up the phone) & watch TV programs I don’t regularly watch because those are the staples of my parents’ schedule. I see friends while I’m here, usually only once, sometimes not at all.

In San Diego, if I don’t putter around at least on the weekends and get out of the house – then I somehow feel bad for not going out – like I should be ashamed not to take advantage of the sunshine & beauty of where I live - at least taking a ride…unless it’s overcast, cloudy & rainy.

Even though I haven’t been working for 9 months, I still needed a break…from everyday life. Those little worries you have – the errands that have to be run, the house that needs to be organized, the laundry that needs washing, the cleaning that shouldn’t wait yet another day.

It’s worked out quite well this time…especially this year with all the extra crazy weather we’ve been experiencing across the country and the issues with the airlines. It’s actually been an added bonus because I can use it as an excuse NOT to leave the house and no one has given me a hard time.

But sadly, it’s time to plan on getting back to reality…even if it’s to Southern California. I’ve taken my holiday and enough of a breather from my everyday life and now I must concentrate on finding my next work gig because no one in the family has won the lottery yet – so my dream of paying off my bills and bumming around for a year trying to find my bliss will just have to wait.

People used to ask me if I went to the beach all the time…I told them, “No. I work for a living.” It really doesn’t matter where you live for the most part - you do the same thing as all your friends and relatives…just someplace else.  We work, do errands, go to school, shop, cook, go to the movies, read, schlep kids around, have doctor’s appointments, visit friends…just the locale is different.

So, as I prepare to go back to “America’s Finest City” and am already feeling the heartbreak that comes from leaving “home”, I know I’ve had my siesta and it’s time to come out of the cave, take a stretch and walk out into the sunshine and take a coastal ride with the top down.