A Career Full of Detours (and Maybe a Dream Job Ahead)

When I took two years off and then went back to school, I thought I was making a practical pivot. I switched my major from Theatre to Communications, concentrated in Public Relations, kept a minor in Theatre Arts, and sprinkled in plenty of Advertising and music classes. My plan? Build a stable career behind the scenes instead of chasing the spotlight on stage.

Of course, life had other ideas. Out of necessity, PR quickly morphed into Marketing. And while social media didn’t even exist back then, over time all the lines blurred — Marketing, PR, Advertising, Communications — they’ve become one big, interconnected world. If you’re a Jane of All Trades like me, you’ve probably touched every corner of it.

And the industries? Let’s just say I’ve collected a sampler platter of careers: Purchasing, Publishing, Distance Education, Waitressing, Biotech, Analytics, Environmental Data, Real Estate Data, Credit Information, Website Monitoring, Professional Services, Online Reviews, Real Estate Education, Insurance Education, Insurance Products, Marketing & Social Media Consulting… you name it, I’ve probably had a desk (or a tray) there.

That “career stability” I thought I was building? HA! My family jokes that every three years I lose my job. And honestly, for the first 30 years, they weren’t wrong—thanks mostly to acquisitions and corporate reshuffles.

But through all the detours, I found balance in my soul-saving work: publicity, marketing, and events management on one side, and my creative outlet of singing, performing, and competing on the other. Pro bono publicity for community theatres, alumni chorus performances, and my beloved San Diego Chorus kept me connected to the art and storytelling that fuel me.

Now, here I am—40 years after high school, nearly 35 after college—and I may finally have a shot at the dream job I’ve been circling all along. Yesterday, I submitted my application to San Diego Theatres for the Content and Communications Manager position.

So here’s where you come in: send all the good thoughts, positive vibes, Christmas wishes, and a little luck my way. After a career full of detours, this one feels like it could finally be the destination.

Wrapped in Bubble Wrap, Armed with AI, and Still Looking for Work

Job hunting this year has felt less like a career move and more like a slow‑motion pratfall — complete with bruises, bubble wrap, and the occasional face‑plant. Some people collect stamps; I collect rejection emails. If job hunting were a sport, I’d be competing in the ‘falling down and getting back up’ event — and trust me, I’d medal. And because apparently, I like punishment, I keep showing up for another round.

But let’s be real — my self‑confidence doesn’t need a push to plummet; it’s practically a professional at the art of crashing on its own.

So, call it one more fall — I’ve gotten pretty good at standing back up. After last year’s streak of stumbles and mishaps, I should’ve known better… had I been smart, I would’ve just kept the Halloween bubble wrap on for this year too. But here we are the bubble wrap’s long gone, the bruises are fresh, and I’m still lurching forward like a contestant in the world’s least glamorous obstacle course. So onward I go — stumbling maybe but still moving forward.

And since I clearly enjoy self‑inflicted torture, I spent all day and most of the night yesterday sending resumes. Not just the quick “attach and click” kind, either — the ones that demand work samples, a cover letter, and a urine sample — apparently applying for marketing now requires Olympic‑level testing.

One asked for a portfolio, so I pulled together my PDF with samples and notes on what I’d done — and then roped in my Content Wingman for backup.

Together we built a template for portfolio case studies, then created four that each showcased a different skill set — campaign strategy, digital analytics, content creation, and event coordination. We also pulled together a Portfolio Overview and a handful of summary blurbs in different lengths and tones.

After that, we lined up my Core Competencies with the experience on my resume — which, by the way, is hilarious when you realize how many ways job descriptions can say the exact same thing. Or worse, spin a mashup of two skills that don’t even belong on the same playlist — like barbershop and K‑pop, or barbershop and techno. And let’s be honest, someone in the barbershop world has probably already tried one or both of those mashups — maybe even thrown in a little death metal for good measure.

Apparently, “strategic thinker with tactical execution skills” is recruiter‑speak for “we want a unicorn who can do everything, everywhere, all at once.”

I knew I should’ve stopped, but I hit a breakthrough and kept going. Every time my Content Wingman asked if I wanted another tweak, I said yes — until 4:30 a.m. when I finally shut the laptop. I fell asleep at 4:59, woke up at 10:15. A whole 5 hours and 16 minutes of sleep. Not bad for a night of resume roulette.

And honestly, there’s something weirdly satisfying about watching your own exhaustion turn into productivity — like a badge of honor for the chronically persistent. Chalk it up to being a Taurus: stubborn enough to keep grinding, determined enough to call it progress, and just bull‑headed enough to find pride in the struggle. Plus, I’m a pro at falling down rabbit holes — and this one had résumés, portfolios, and Content Wingman tweaks instead of Wonderland. Oh my!

As my good friend and mentor, Stacey Allen, and the insightful and steady‑handed SD Chorus Team Leader, Pam Murray, both pointed out — and I’ve thought more on this — that Content Wingmen (and AI in general) are now being used in many positions across all fields. It’s no longer a novelty; it’s a core competency.

Which is funny, considering this very post started as a text conversation venting about the job search grind, my Content Wingman chiming in with formatting flair, and suddenly we had the bones of a blog. And not just any blog — my first real post in over a decade. The last three were book reviews, which hardly count as “regular programming” for Living Life by the Seat of Your Pants.

Proof that even a late‑night rant can be recycled into content if you’ve got the right wingman. Apparently, my complaints are employable if they get the right formatting, even if I’m not.

Since no one in my family looks likely to hit the lottery anytime soon, I’ve got to keep up the good fight and get myself gainfully employed. Eyes on the prize, head held high, brain as free of buzzing as it can be (thanks, Tinnitus), and a return to my cock‑eyed, unicorns‑and‑rainbows‑loving optimistic self.

So, I’ll keep stumbling forward — bruised and battered, but still moving. What can I say? Three Tauruses born a day apart don’t exactly know how to quit. Tits Up!!!

48 is Great.

2015 has really been a strange year so far, I've had some really funky & strange experiences. Of course some of it is my doing, but not all...

It's a good thing I'm pretty laid back & it takes a lot for things to get to me, but really??

I haven't written a new Blog post since October of 2014...so here is my year to date since January.

•  After having my car in the shop when I was away, I got it back & had more issues. After forking over another chunk of change - it totally died on me.

•  I donated my car after having it for almost 12 years. I cried when I was done cleaning it out.

•  Having to wear a bra finally paid off. $20 fell out when I took it off one day.

•  I bought a new car.

•  I had taken the cover off my phone because it kept dying fast. On Valentine's Day, I dropped the Phone and cracked the screen.

•  My "nephew", turned one. His mother used to fluff up my boobs when she was little and rest her head when watching TV.

•  I got sick in late February.

•  I stayed up talking to & hopefully imparting life lessons & wisdom until 3:30 am with my 26 year old neighbor.

•  I went to movie theater to see the 30th anniversary of "The Breakfast Club"

•  My Baby Sister got engaged...

•  I'll be 50 in less than 2 years.

•  Went to "Motown the Musical" opening night & party in LA - one of the cast's mother (who I thought was his friend), had on the same dress AND I tripped over the feet and fell in the middle of the crosswalk at Hollywood & Vine.

•  I spent time with my Brother in LA, San Diego & Costa Mesa.

•  My Godson got married.

•  I got felt up by a friend at Girls' Night Out.

•  I got back from my hometown visit and lost my house key.

•  I got sick again, over Memorial Day Weekend.

•  I met up with a hometown friend (who I actually never met in person, but graduated with her brother), AND it turns out her daughter's roommate is the niece of gals who I used to dance with AND, she grew up with and used to dance my "niece" who lives here now.

•  I'm very sad...Journey is on the "Oldies" station.

•  I got to spend some nice quality time with my Sister-in-Law & Niece.

•  ...My Baby Sister eloped.

•  It's been 30 years since I graduated High School.

•  A bird pooped on my head at SeaWorld.

•  I connected on Facebook with my Junior High crush...WHO HAS LIVED IN SAN DIEGO this whole time!

•  Was at the wrong baby shower...for 2 hours.

•  I've been at my job for a year.

•  I got locked in a dressing room at a thrift store.

•  I bought a Wicked Smaht TV…

Social Media – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Social Media is a good thing.

It’s connected me with people I was once close to and we’ve drifted apart. We live on different sides of the country and we don’t get to see each other often, or at all – but sharing a message, and event, or even Poking someone over Facebook says to me, “Hey, you are important in my life and I’m thinking about you.

It's connected me to "family" that I've never met...and probably never will. It's also kept me closer to family that I don't see that often, but I'm happy to keep up with them and what's going on in their lives.

It’s also connected me with people I didn’t necessarily like growing up, and who didn’t like me – all the way back to grammar school. But now, we’re sharing and chatting and commenting and championing and encouraging and congratulating each other on news, accomplishments, goals, as well as giving each other solace for our sorrows.

I’ve thought about it a lot and realized over the years that not everyone is going to like you. And, you aren’t going to like everyone. But, to finally grow up & not even be able to pinpoint the reasons why you didn’t like that person, and now you are sharing your life with them and communicating – it’s amazing to me and truly an interesting phenomenon.

There’s also the downside of social media. The ever-increasing bullying that is going on. And, it’s more public. It hurts people, marks them and has even ruined, or ended lives.

I was bullied. Not constantly, but there were things that happened in my youth that now I remember and it still befuddles me. I got a call one night when I was in the eighth grade – there was no voicemail or emails and I don’t even think it was a cordless phone.

And, the girl on the other end, who I didn’t really know – told me that some boy told her I called her a slut. First off, I didn’t even know her well other than she was on my “team” – 4 different classes that shared teachers and went to gym and lunch together, and secondly it was something I wouldn’t say.

The next day, she confronted me in the lunchroom and started with me. I don’t fight. I’m truly a make love, not war kind of gal. Well, she got a shot in and punched me. A teacher, thankfully, broke it up very quickly and we both brought to the principal’s office.

She admitted she started it and was suspended.

I still don’t know why this event happened. I probably never will because the few people involved are not in my world anymore. I don’t even know where they, what they are doing, if they are in jail or even still alive.

I was also what could be considered sexually assaulted…in the 5^th grade I started to develop and the boys used to snap my bra and call me names. Funnily enough a few years ago I ran into one when I was at a reunion of sorts at a local bar near my hometown. He’s now married and has 4 daughters. We were chatting and I mentioned it and said I used to have such a crush on him – he told me he had a crush on me and that’s why he teased me.

It’s not funny, but in a way it is. Over and over, I was told that a boy teased me because he liked me. And if a girl teased me it was because she was jealous of me. I don’t know if I truly believe that or not – especially now when so many kids are publically being assaulted.

It just needs to stop. Now. Today. Kids – I know it’s hard, but think of the reasons why you do the things you do to each other. In 25 or 30 years (and just so you know, it freaks me out a little that I can say, “That was 30 years ago….” – think if it was your child, or someone you cared about and someone was teasing, or bullying, or punching, or harassing, assaulting that person in your life – how would you feel?

I can also tell you, from experience, that the people you don’t like now – you may not remember in 30 years why you don’t like them….so why waste your precious time and energy being negative, judgmental and hurting someone just because a few badly-chosen words may make you feel more important or popular, or better.

Because I’m telling you now – you will look back and not feel good about it…or, you won’t even remember why…and that’s really sad. And, your actions do affect others.

Just think about it.

Coming in Second

As I'm seriously considering the possibility of signing up, again, for online dating - I STILL cannot believe it's going to cost me money just to find a date. But, I haven't been doing so well in our free society....I don't want to even think (or can't remember) the last date I had. 

It's not like I'm getting any younger...better, yes, but the hands of time have not turned back.

I'm now gainfully employed and on a career trajectory I thought would be as elusive to me as hitting the lottery...well, maybe not THAT elusive (although I still have hopes).

I have a list of reasons why I didn't want to venture into online dating (again) - a few (HA!)Years ago and when I type this up I will add them without editing - unless it applies or doesn't apply anymore.

The "concerns" I had with online dating (5 - 7 years ago)... (WOW! There are a lot)

* I am much more sparkling in person than on paper.

* I’m older and want kids (although that possibility is becoming a memory - FAST) and that is all a man online will see that & think it's all I want

* I have a hard time presenting myself

* I’m worried that I won't make an impact or a great first impression on "paper" and in person on a first date.

* I don't want to live in San Diego forever (apparently being here 20 years doesn't make me a permanent resident)...meeting a man here...most likely he will not want to move 

* This is all taking too much time - I don't have much time left to get pregnant and have kids

* I smoke and it looks like all the guys I'm interested in, it's a "No Way" in their requirements

* I’m overweight and that's not going away fast (apparently, it hasn't gone away in 1/2 a decade!)

* I’m not as active as most gals in SoCal - how do I depict this?

* I want to be honest in my profile, but how honest is too honest?

* It takes too much time....I'm on the computer all day as it is.

* Finding someone should be romantic, spontaneous, and well not necessarily spontaneous because you could know someone for years...and then suddenly, WHAM!

* I don't like Match.com and eHarmony is too much money.

WELL! That was quite a list!!! 

This slow-in-coming decision has moved to the forefront of my mind again as I spent the entire weekend alone - again. I'm fine with my own company - I've spent what seems like years enjoying it - but I want to share my "free time" with someone.

Maybe spending almost 20 years in SoCal (in Sept. - YIKES) 0 has not helped my love life. But here I am and here I will stay for the time being. I made that choice when I proactively looked and accepted a job here.

It's so funny how I can change direction from my original thought pattern - see post http://midlifermusings.blogspot.com/2012/04/attention-deficit-ooooo-shiny-and-other.html) - and then end up back at it after going around in a circle.

This post is titled "Coming in Second" (and for the life of me I cannot remember why because even with the title, it was about online dating)....AH HA! Eureka!

I JUST remembered...so, as I think about taking the leap again into the proverbial online dating pool - in my mid-40's in San Diego, Califor-NI-A, I started to think about my past love life - ok, so it was brought on by a song that I sang at the top of my lungs that made me think about a former love - actually, for the longest time, it was "The One Who Got Away". Anyway, I digress, I thought of a few times in my torrid past - ok, not so torrid - Just a few stumbles, some stupid moments and some intense crushes - and a WAY TOO LONG time being alone.

So, I was thinking of these times and more than once I had met a guy (through online dating, or a setup from a friend), and before or soon after they met me, they met someone else who they ended up spending some time with - usually a couple of years. Then, out of the blue, years later, I heard from them again! 

So...I wasn't their first choice at the time, but apparently I am somewhat unforgettable - or I was in my 20's and 30's. It's kind of hard to think like that since I'm in my mid-40's and I haven't had a steady guy in quite some time.

Now...the men I meet can be in any of several different scenarios and it scares the bejesus out of me!

I'm single. I have never been married. I don't have kids...and it's becoming crystal clear that I probably won't. These men I will meet may have kids in an age range anywhere from toddler - all the way up to their 30's - AND, it's a very real possibility that they could be Grandfather's!!!

Needless to say, I'm terrified!

I think of the guys I see and I have no idea how old they even are - on the bright side, a recent magazine had the hotties in different decades and the celebs I find attractive ranged from 30's to 50's - so at least I'm only a Cougar or actually in my age group!

So...after all of this blah, blahing, I've decided that I will venture back into the online dating pool because that seems to be the way I'm going to meet appropriate men. 

To all my cyber-community friends and connections, I need some help. I know I am wonderful and there is no explainable reason why I'm still single (my Mom tells me so), BUT I really can't write that in my profile - so I put it to you to help me out. 

I thank you in advance. HUGS!

Dance, Like No One is Watching

Even though people are inevitably watching…and pointing…and laughing…

NO! I’m only kidding!

OK…maybe I’m not!

But of course I decided to get my groove on yesterday afternoon…

in the Self-Help section…

of Barnes & Noble.

So…if people were watching and pointing and laughing, I really didn’t care! And that is a great way to BE! That’s what I said…TO BE!!! I was truly just being the moment and that moment was grand.

My favorite fast song came on (Got to Be Real by Cheryl Lynn, 1978). I was whiling away the time of my last weekend before starting my new job on Tuesday.

It's been 16 months since I got laid off. And, I’ve dabbled here & there – did a little volunteers work; some ghost Blog writing for a friend’s website design business.  I was fortunate enough to spend time back East with the family last summer and this past winter.  Reading and writing (although I’ve read far more than I’ve written) – book reviews for publishers from NetGalley. Writing my Blog (but definitely not enough or regularly), clutter-clearing my stuff that was in storage – but still have not finished – it’s a work in progress…just like ME! And, I’ve done some thinking…and sometimes I’ve been stuck in a rut. Oh ya, I’ve also looked and interviewed for jobs.

So, as I said, I was in the Self-Help section of Barnes & Noble, looking through the titles, opening some up & browsing, and my fave dance song came on (it’s also my call ringtone, but I think I’m changing that), and I started to sing to myself and move it/move it.

I did think about what people must have thought of me as they passed by the aisle, for about a split second, but then as I’m shaking my groove thing, looking through a plethora of books about doing what you love to do, how to be happy, how to give up fear, growing as a person, finding your passion and living your dreams – I smiled to myself and kept right on grooving!

I thought, it was something kids do all the time and why the hell shouldn’t I just be in the moment and do something I love! Mind you, I wasn’t getting down like I do on a dance floor, but it was nice to feel the music, sway to it and shake my bon bon a bit!

It was a very empowering and soul expanding experience. I highly recommend it to EVERYONE! 

My Dad

My Dad is big and strong,
He works real hard all day long.

He cares for his family with pride and respect,
Even if he does not know what will come next.

He supports his kids even if they are wrong,
He taught us to stand up for our convictions, to be steady, courageous and strong.

He cheers us on when we are right,
He provides comfort and warmth so we’ll sleep well at night.

My Dad can be goofy and silly,
And sometimes we’d take drives willy-nilly.

He taught me to be good and kind,
And to help those in need and never turn an eye blind.

He never punished out of turn,
And always taught me the good life lessons I have learned.

He lifts me up when I feel down,
With his positive encouragement, I have a limited frown.

I never had to be perfect, but always try my best,
And treat others with patience, love and respect.

He makes me laugh, smile and bellow,
Cause he can be a happy, funny, nutty fellow.

He dances with me every chance he gets,
And if I was in a competition, for me, he would bet.

He’s always there for his brothers and sisters, all family and friends,
When My Dad’s in your life, you’ve got a friend til the end.

All in all, I’m the good person I am today,
Because My Daddy helped me become that way.

Chocolate Cake for Breakfast

It really is a good thing to be a single grown up…most of the time. You can make your own choices, be the head of the household, make your own way, decorate how you choose, and eat what you want – when you want it.

I remember Bill Cosby had as part of his act in the late 70s/early 80s, a skit where he fed the kids Chocolate Cake for Breakfast. The kids were going on singing, “Dad is great - Gives us the Chocolate Cake!” His wife, on the other hand, was not so happy with this parenting decision.

Cake contains many things found in breakfast foods – eggs, wheat, some sugar (found in lots of cereals) and milk. So why the hell not eat it once in awhile for breakfast! For that matter, eat Ice Cream for breakfast! That may actually contain some fruit!

I now think I found a decent compromise for one of my main, regular cereal choices – Honey Bunches of Oats. It has grain cereal, a hint of honey, granola and nuts. Of course there are times when I just crave a bowl of Sugar Pops, Apple Jacks, Crunch Berries or Cocoa Puffs.

But when I give into that crave and buy a box of any of them, then I eventually end up throwing half a box away…after it’s been opened for months. I will now look for the single serving multi-pack boxes, but of course they always throw in a box of something good for you, like Raisin Bran!

It’s not an everyday occurrence that I find myself with this option. But as I sit here eating some delectable chocolaty yummyness left over from a friend’s birthday with a cup of Cinnamon & Carmel Macchiato coffee, I think of how fortunate I am that I can choose this, and savor it and delight in it.

It’s good to be the Queen!

Let It Go!!!

A few weeks ago I was at a very low point. I was tired of the “Endless Revolving Door” that seems to be my life.

Mind you, I say it “seems to be” – not, “It is”. Because if I truly believe “IT IS” my life, then where would I go? Just round and round again instead of putting my foot firmly down to stop the door, move it a smidge – just enough to squeeze through - and burst out into the sunlight and make the decision to change what seems to be, or stay stuck and in an endless loop of a not-so-much-fun merry-go-round.

Everyone is on the “Let It Go” from “Frozen” kick!  I didn’t realize that I am too, but in a much different way. I “downloaded” everything I was feeling and experiencing, and presented it to my friends, family & anyone else who wanted to listen. It made me very vulnerable, but that was my choice to open up…and share, not just write it and “fahgettaboudit.”

If you have never read The Sedona Method, you should. Actually, ANY self-help, mind-body, “new-fad guru make you feel happy book” will do. They really do help. Even if you just take a main theme or strategy and it stays lingering somewhere in the back of your mind…it’s worth cracking open a book, listening to an audio file, watching a webinar or taking a course.

Ask friends, ask family, and ask strangers…they’ll tell you if something worked for them. I’ve noticed more now than ever before, people will give you their opinion and promote or refute ideas, products, services, music, books, TV shows, everything! It’s the power of technology and the explosion of social media and the transparency it gives us into the world around us – the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s the price we pay for technology and information at your fingertips.

The basis of The Sedona Method is taking things that are in your life – now or in the past, anything that is interrupting it and making you miserable or just unhappy or unfulfilled, and bring it to the forefront of your consciousness and having you ponder the question, “Can I let this go?”

I started reading the book some time ago and put it down, but still have a bookmark in place – could have been a year or a few years. Of course I put it down in Part I at the section where they want you to “do the work”. That’s usually a place where I stop. It is the place where you have to start exposing yourself…usually to yourself. That’s some scary stuff!!!

But, the fact that I remembered what the basis of the method is and what it’s all about – well, that has to say something about the program and that even though I’m not aware of it; the strategies are rolling around in this “big bulbous brain” of mine (2 points if you can tell me where this sentiment is from, and 3 more points if you know who said it).

Well, I just opened it up and what do you think starts on the very next page???  It’s the first exercise in Chapter 7 – Letting Go of the Four Basic Wants. As I flipped over the next few pages, the other exercises are there and they all are “Written Releasing” exercises!

Without even being aware of it, that is just what I did in my last Blog post.

And…I’ve been thinking if not finding a job yet and the stress it’s caused me is only about the increasingly precarious financial issues I’ve found myself in. And I’ve come to the conclusion, for better or worse, it’s not. It’s also about how it’s made me feel about myself, my skills, my experiences, my work, the trail I’ve taken so far, things I’ve worked for, things I haven’t done that I should have or wanted to do, everything that has brought me to here and now.

I’ve thought of whether or not I should just change my career path or even my life course for that matter and try to stop “Living Life by the Seat of My Pants”.  And this self-discovery road I’ve been on, but have only taken baby steps in and have yet to delve into who I am, what do I want, why am I here – maybe it’s just the right time to do it.

I’m now at the point where I’ve had an interview with a potential boss and the president of the company, as well as several team members, and references have been called…now it’s time to play a game. The Waiting Game! Oooooo fun!

The really funny thing is that the maximum pay for the job is what I ended at a job 13 years ago. The benefits are nil, and it’s farther than I’ve travelled for a job in a decade.  BUT, the products are really cool, the people I’d be working with seem very nice, creative and dedicated to making the company succeed, and I can see the potential for growth – both professionally and personally.

So, if offered I intend to accept with a resounding, “YES!”

So, as I said at the end of my last post – Tomorrow IS another day. And, it WAS another day and after I had partaken in a Written Release exercise (without even knowing it), I found that no matter what happens next, it was truly a release and I can LET IT GO!!!

Onwards and Upwards! CHARGE!!!

Endless Revolving Door

Unemployed - again.

No love life – still.

No children – ever.

Dream job – not likely.

It’s frustrating and it makes me sad and angry. And I’ve had lots of bursts of anger and have voiced those frustrations more and more in the past few years. I can chock it up to peri-menopause, or pre-menopause or whatever it is. But in the end I just feel hurt and more frustrated.

I can cry about it & I have, but then I just feel drained, tired, and have little to no ambition. I don’t want to do anything other than sit in front of the TV and be numb watching the same shows that I’ve seen numerous times already. I don’t even watch anything new that will make me engage more.

I’m trying to get out of the funk, but it’s becoming harder and harder each day as I sit in my little cottage, surrounded by more stuff because I had to get rid of my storage (which I did want to do). But now I am stuck here because funds are so low that I need to conserve gas because I won’t have money until the 18^th since my next unemployment check (which I am thankful for) is all going to pay my rent, leaving me with $5 for another 2 weeks.  And, I need to save that gas to get me to interviews. It's aggravating and depressing, and I can't believe I'm in this type of situation - again.

I shouldn’t bitch and moan about it since I have a friend whose unemployment ran out and she has 2 kids, and absolutely nothing coming in but welfare that pays her rent. I’m trying to be grateful because it’s only bills that will be late. Bills that I myself made and am responsible for – bills that are still there year after year because of this endless revolving door I seem to find myself going in, and around and around again.

I’m just tired and drained. Every day I wake up and the situation just smacks me right in the face. It’s like getting up, turning the corner and walking headfirst into a wall. SLAM! OOF!

I have lived here for almost 9 years and I’m still not settled in. It’s not a sanctuary, and your home should be your happy place – the place to unwind and relax and rejuvenate.

People have been telling me to move back East, or at least suggesting that I think about it which I am. But what happens when I move back and am still miserable? I can’t just pack back up & head back out West again.  I know the weather isn’t a reason to stay, but it does make things lighter. I can go to the harbor or the beach, and take a walk near the water and look at the beauty and the boats and just mellow.

I need to find a place that is home. Someplace where I can make a life that is fulfilling. And find something that fulfills me. It’s not going to come from having a family of my own. That ship has just about sailed and is never passing this way again – at least not in this lifetime. 

At this point I don’t think it’s going to come from a “Dream Job” because I’m so desperate (again); I’ll just end up taking any job that’s offered because I have to (again). I’ve been going round and round in circles for years with only temporary pit-stops where things seem to be headed in the right direction (whatever direction that may be).  And then, it comes to a crashing halt…or it just slips through the cracks and sneaks up on me.

I know. I know. Most of this is a temporary setback – again. But I’m just so tired and my brain is so foggy and refuses to clear itself up. I can’t seem to shake it away and dust myself off. I’m usually good about turning it around and lifting myself out of my ruts but this one has seemed to go on for far too long and it’s really starting to piss me off!

I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but because I am who I am, I will keep on trucking along – even if it’s around in circles. I’m an optimist at heart and that’s what will get me through. It’s up to me to choose how I handle everything that’s been thrown at me - or maybe the problem is that nothing has been thrown my way in quite some time. Maybe all I needed was to do a “brain dump” and get this off my chest and out of my head. Who knows? But we’ll see because I’m done pouring myself out and it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow IS another day.

If I Could Turn Back Time…and Clean the Slate

As I am venturing on the cusp of obtaining yet another job…not a “dream job” just moving forward out of necessity, I guess these questions are burning in my head...again.

I keep thinking that if I could only begin again then this time things would be different…but would they really?

I know I’ve changed and grown up a bit…but still my main personality traits and overall “essence” hasn’t. I think if I asked a random sampling of 100—people I know from all facets of my life – my family, close friends, former co-workers and supervisors, former boyfriends, acquaintances, old friends who I’ve connected with again through social media, new friends who I haven’t known that long or that well – they would all say closely the same thing and describe me the same way. I’m not quite sure exactly what they would say but I think it would be pretty close…

So, what that tells me is even if I “started over” – with finances, my career, my love life, other relationships, physically, intellectually, etc. – I pretty much would be in the same place. I’m sure a few things would be different and they may actually be some major compartments of my life.

I really want to create a survey and send it out with a request that people I know from all these different areas of my life take 10 minutes out of their busy schedules to If I could start with a fresh financial clean slate – any and all blemishes on my credit history would just vanish - no hovering bills to speak of except the everyday ones that I would have from here on out (even my car would be in tip top shape so no worries there at the moment – only rent, cable, cell phone, utilities, insurance, food, gas, basic incidentals – and all the rest would just disappear…would it make a difference?

Have I truly learned from my mistakes and if given the chance – would I make the same ones?

If I turned back the clock and paid attention to that lil ‘ol biological clock that was ticking in the background, would I have tried harder to fulfill my whole with Motherhood? Would I have made more of a concerted effort to work at finding “the one” using all tools at my disposal?

Would I have worked harder on finding my confidence sooner than I have? Would I have really and truly stopped, given up the dream that I haven’t even nurtured since turning my back on it and done the work to find out what I really want to do professionally and take the right steps and strides to make that happen instead of just continuing to flail around and end up taking jobs out of necessity?

And if I could magically jump in my Delorean and go back to when I was in my teens and start all over again…would I really chose to take that risk and see if things turn out the same way? Would I, could I? Okay…now I have the song “Memories” in my head – full on with Barbra Streisand’s melodious, husky, emotional making it hard for me to hold back a few dangling tears…

I guess I’ll never know. I’m on a path now, one that I didn’t plan and I keep trying to change, but I know I haven’t worked hard enough at making those changes that I want, that I can control and are still feasible.

It would be very nice to start from scratch…especially with the things that are possible at this juncture – finding what I was meant to do with my life – and do it. Do it well and love doing it. Pay off my outstanding bills, get out from under my financial woes, and start a new path to financial maturity. Find and fall in love with my Soul mate. Make a life that I’m proud to live and where I can make my mark on the world to leave behind.

So…no time machine to turn the clock back – just two feet to move my life forward, make smart choices, and take action to make the changes that I can make that will get me to new goals and make those dreams come true.

Hibernation

I just came to the realization last night while sitting all snuggled up on my parents’ couch that one of the key reasons I come back to Massachusetts every year, in the winter, is so I can hibernate – at least for a few weeks.  I’m truly an East Coast Girl even though I have lived in SoCal for almost 20 years.

Yes. Spending quality time with my parents definitely factors into the equation – as well as seeing the rest of my family & some friends during the holidays.

BUT, I don’t feel very guilty when I hunker down in the house and do, well, nothing. I go to bed late, sleep late, don’t take a shower every day and sometimes even stay in my PJs all day. I watch “Jeopardy” every night (the one time of the day when NO ONE calls because they know what time it is and that Jeani won’t pick up the phone) & watch TV programs I don’t regularly watch because those are the staples of my parents’ schedule. I see friends while I’m here, usually only once, sometimes not at all.

In San Diego, if I don’t putter around at least on the weekends and get out of the house – then I somehow feel bad for not going out – like I should be ashamed not to take advantage of the sunshine & beauty of where I live - at least taking a ride…unless it’s overcast, cloudy & rainy.

Even though I haven’t been working for 9 months, I still needed a break…from everyday life. Those little worries you have – the errands that have to be run, the house that needs to be organized, the laundry that needs washing, the cleaning that shouldn’t wait yet another day.

It’s worked out quite well this time…especially this year with all the extra crazy weather we’ve been experiencing across the country and the issues with the airlines. It’s actually been an added bonus because I can use it as an excuse NOT to leave the house and no one has given me a hard time.

But sadly, it’s time to plan on getting back to reality…even if it’s to Southern California. I’ve taken my holiday and enough of a breather from my everyday life and now I must concentrate on finding my next work gig because no one in the family has won the lottery yet – so my dream of paying off my bills and bumming around for a year trying to find my bliss will just have to wait.

People used to ask me if I went to the beach all the time…I told them, “No. I work for a living.” It really doesn’t matter where you live for the most part - you do the same thing as all your friends and relatives…just someplace else.  We work, do errands, go to school, shop, cook, go to the movies, read, schlep kids around, have doctor’s appointments, visit friends…just the locale is different.

So, as I prepare to go back to “America’s Finest City” and am already feeling the heartbreak that comes from leaving “home”, I know I’ve had my siesta and it’s time to come out of the cave, take a stretch and walk out into the sunshine and take a coastal ride with the top down.

The Living Death

Another oldie I wrote and recently ripped the page out of an old notebook...from 12/1/2002.

I'm typing & posting right away without any fear of what it says because I have no idea.

LJB
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Frail, old, weak, peaceful. Letting go of time, space & light. Go to the white light, but it's not time yet - there is still so much to do - so much more love to give and share. Breathe. Slow & steady - slowing down - peaceful. Pain - not much, but some. Mostly peace - remembering - longing to do it over - to be in those special moments one more time. No regrets - all mental strain is gone - just peace. Steady, slow - peaceful. Relax - see the spirits - go to your loved ones from them - love - peace - completion. The circle is complete, time to release and be reborn - the soul will live on and be reborn - more, new, different experiences. Sleepy - very tired - lazy - peaceful. Slow tears, a few drops - missing those I leave behind, but knowing that my spirit will be able to be with them and my light & love will surround them always. Light - peace - completion - breathe - slow, steady, slower, eyes closed - breathe - light - inner - go to the light - breathe. Dark.

Diving In...

I tore out some pages from an old Notebook. I do not know when this was written, but the page after it is dated 12/1/2002...I've transcribed directly from the written page. Apparently I wrote from a flow of consciousness & in the moment because there are not line or paragraph breaks.


Tear - A tear is something that comes from the heart - it has 2 meanings - to break and also a release. When I cry, I'm usually releasing something - guilt, guilt, anger, anger, anger, upset, angry, overflow with emotions because everything gers caught up inside and sometimes I just need to let it all go. I really like meditation and yoga classes because they are a release of stress, anger, sadness, happiness - all sorts of emotions come to the surface and I usually shed some tears - of happiness, joy, sadness, lonliness, longing, fun, endurance, stress. Tearing somthing up can be a release a also. To let go of something, to destroy so something can be created again - anew.Release sadness, lonliness, happiness - breaking my heart because it is so full and I want to give so much to someone - I'm tired of being lonely. Crying tears of sorrow.

Home Is Where the Heart Is...

I haven’t lived in Massachusetts for almost 19 years. Yet, as I sit in my parent’s kitchen I know that this is home and always will be…even if they are the ones to move.

I still tell people when I leave San Diego to come to Mass that, “I’m going home.” Whether it’s for a week, a month or longer – time does not matter.

It’s possible that I may never come back to live….or, I could, who knows? I don’t.

Mom asks me every time I get laid off (which for those of you who know my track record, is about every 3 years), “So, are you moving back?”

This time, I told her I’m waiting for divine intervention, whether it’s for a job or just because it’s time for me to leave SoCal…or stay in California. I don’t know. And that’s okay with me…for now.

Massachusetts is where the highest concentration of my family is, even though some have left – to Texas, New Hampshire, Florida, New Jersey, North Carolina, Virginia, New York, California, and others have never lived here – Hawaii, Pennsylvania, Maryland, this is still Home - to me.

People ask me why I moved to San Diego and I tell them the story of how my Mom’s best friends’ daughter who used to babysit me and who we’ve known since I was four (basically my big sister), was living in San Diego and she tried to urge me to come out there – maybe go to college there. I didn’t.

But when I was in my “first real job” after college for about a year, I finally made my flight plans in April to go to San Diego in June, and the next the day there was a reorganization at my work and I could have been laid off, but they kept me on until June and then laid me off – so I took it as a sign that maybe it was time to venture out into the world - divine intervention mingled with me making a choice.

So, I went to San Diego for a few weeks, came back & in September drove with “big sis”. Figured I’d be there for a year or two…Alas, it’s been almost 19 years.  Talk about time flying!

I have never had tons and tons of friends (although you wouldn’t know it by my 1050+ Facebook friends ;D ) – but Social Media has done wonders for connecting with old friends, family, business associates, classmates who weren’t so friendly (but I guess time and maturity heals those wounds), family you’ve never met, and starting relationships and maintaining them with new people you meet.

Now, I have connected with people and when I’m home I try to see them, and when I’m 3,000 miles away I miss them but can still stay in touch.  It’s very amusing when I think of it, that if I chose to move back I will have a larger group of friends to see and hang out with than when I left!

So I sit in my parent’s kitchen - watch Dad eat lunch and read a book, wait for Mom to come home from the grocery store, anticipate seeing my sister and cousin tonight, and hope to see my adorable niece, and brother and sister-in-law again before I leave, I finish this post and think about moving back and what that would bring. I still have no idea one way or another, and am waiting for divine intervention to step in and pinch me – with me having the choice. But, I’m glad that for right now - I Am Home.