Endless Revolving Door

Unemployed - again.

No love life – still.

No children – ever.

Dream job – not likely.

It’s frustrating and it makes me sad and angry. And I’ve had lots of bursts of anger and have voiced those frustrations more and more in the past few years. I can chock it up to peri-menopause, or pre-menopause or whatever it is. But in the end I just feel hurt and more frustrated.

I can cry about it & I have, but then I just feel drained, tired, and have little to no ambition. I don’t want to do anything other than sit in front of the TV and be numb watching the same shows that I’ve seen numerous times already. I don’t even watch anything new that will make me engage more.

I’m trying to get out of the funk, but it’s becoming harder and harder each day as I sit in my little cottage, surrounded by more stuff because I had to get rid of my storage (which I did want to do). But now I am stuck here because funds are so low that I need to conserve gas because I won’t have money until the 18^th since my next unemployment check (which I am thankful for) is all going to pay my rent, leaving me with $5 for another 2 weeks.  And, I need to save that gas to get me to interviews. It's aggravating and depressing, and I can't believe I'm in this type of situation - again.

I shouldn’t bitch and moan about it since I have a friend whose unemployment ran out and she has 2 kids, and absolutely nothing coming in but welfare that pays her rent. I’m trying to be grateful because it’s only bills that will be late. Bills that I myself made and am responsible for – bills that are still there year after year because of this endless revolving door I seem to find myself going in, and around and around again.

I’m just tired and drained. Every day I wake up and the situation just smacks me right in the face. It’s like getting up, turning the corner and walking headfirst into a wall. SLAM! OOF!

I have lived here for almost 9 years and I’m still not settled in. It’s not a sanctuary, and your home should be your happy place – the place to unwind and relax and rejuvenate.

People have been telling me to move back East, or at least suggesting that I think about it which I am. But what happens when I move back and am still miserable? I can’t just pack back up & head back out West again.  I know the weather isn’t a reason to stay, but it does make things lighter. I can go to the harbor or the beach, and take a walk near the water and look at the beauty and the boats and just mellow.

I need to find a place that is home. Someplace where I can make a life that is fulfilling. And find something that fulfills me. It’s not going to come from having a family of my own. That ship has just about sailed and is never passing this way again – at least not in this lifetime. 

At this point I don’t think it’s going to come from a “Dream Job” because I’m so desperate (again); I’ll just end up taking any job that’s offered because I have to (again). I’ve been going round and round in circles for years with only temporary pit-stops where things seem to be headed in the right direction (whatever direction that may be).  And then, it comes to a crashing halt…or it just slips through the cracks and sneaks up on me.

I know. I know. Most of this is a temporary setback – again. But I’m just so tired and my brain is so foggy and refuses to clear itself up. I can’t seem to shake it away and dust myself off. I’m usually good about turning it around and lifting myself out of my ruts but this one has seemed to go on for far too long and it’s really starting to piss me off!

I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but because I am who I am, I will keep on trucking along – even if it’s around in circles. I’m an optimist at heart and that’s what will get me through. It’s up to me to choose how I handle everything that’s been thrown at me - or maybe the problem is that nothing has been thrown my way in quite some time. Maybe all I needed was to do a “brain dump” and get this off my chest and out of my head. Who knows? But we’ll see because I’m done pouring myself out and it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow IS another day.