Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Why we do things. Why we don’t do things.

I believe that everything comes down to one thing - Fear of Failure.

No matter how I spin it, it comes down to not just Fear itself, but Fear of Failure. I believe all fear, except for fear of physically being hurt, all boils down to a Fear of Failure. Sure, you can put it in different connotations, but in the end that is what it is:  
  • Not being accepted or not belonging
  • Not being good enough (or thin enough or pretty enough or young enough or talented enough, etc.)
  • Being or just feeling Rejected
  • Not living up to expectations – others or our own
  • Being alone – fear at being comfortable in your own skin & with yourself. Or fear that you don’t deserve to be with other people, are unworthy of that
  • Giving ourselves over to someone else
  • Having children or not having children – a fear to the norm or what society expects, fear of being considered selfish, of being looked at as failing to find a mate. With people who are sterile or have issues conceiving, the fear is of not being normal or not being a “real” man or a woman
  • Trying something new – pure fear in our abilities or fear of failing
  • Changing the way we do something – Fear that it won’t be as good as before or that we’re doing it wrong
  • Giving up a habit or trying to better yourself – fear of failing
Things that a lot of people do when they have fear:
  • Procrastinate
  • Stress
  • Get emotional
  • Don’t even try
  • Shut down
  • Blame others
  • Lash out
  • Indulge in things & people we know are bad for us
I know. I’ve done them all.

I got very little feedback and very little “atta Girl’s” or "Likes" on Facebook, which is where most of my readers seem to come from, on my last post.  
Of course, I have over 1000 “friends” – so you would think my readership would be more than only 3,000 total – and of course I believe that number is wrong because I was counting my own views when editing…the marketing analytics folks are shaking their heads because I should have put the precautions in place for no counting my own hits ;( …but I digress (read, “Attention Deficit Ooooo Shiny, and other Quirks" if you haven’t already and you’ll understand) -(http://midlifermusings.blogspot.com/2012/04/attention-deficit-ooooo-shiny-and-other.html).
...I think it’s because I had told everyone how stuck and unmoving and undefined my life has felt this year…I guess it was less insightful and probably less optimistic than my previous blog adventures, so I think I lost a few people…but that was the leap I needed to take – whether I failed or not. I had pushed the fear aside and open the door.
I really struggled with the decision o whether or not to put all that out there and share it, or hold on tight….but I was drowning and needed a release. I thank you for giving me the space and making me feel safe enough to open up and pour out!

You have to realize – that was quite a feat for me of staring my fear of failure in the eyes & pushing through. I needed to do it. It was time.

After writing and posting it, I’ve felt a little bit lighter, less weighed down. I’ve been more open & aware of how I am feeling which always helps me to come back to the present and live in the moment, and to not dwell.

It was exactly what I needed to kick down the door and take a step into the right direction even though I have no idea where it will take me…I’m sure I’ll come upon a crossroads as I venture forth in cleaning out the cobwebs, clearing my head and walking forward to the sunshine to shake my tail feathers!

I’ve moved past the fear and am pushing forward, taking baby steps to get myself out of my funk and change my juju…are you ready to give whatever fear of failure you have a swift kick in the ass and a firm push out the door so you can take a deep breath and plunge right in with both feet?

Are you? Then Join Me!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Life. Undefined.

“My life feels like a piece of scrap paper all colored with crayon markings without distinct black lines to guide me where to go.”

Fishbowl by Sarah Mlynowski

I had to look up this quote to see what book I had read it in because I had the quote in a notebook and always remember it, but didn’t know which book I had first seen it in. Glad I found it – always like to give credit where it is due!
Apparently, on 12/14/08 I felt like this. And here we are almost 4 years later and I STILL feel this way. I know life can change at the drop of a dime, but if no big changes are made or events happen, then it can seem like it just stays the same – not moving, not changing, not defined.

BUT, I have made some strides since that day. Not many, but some. Yet here I sit and I feel like not much has changed and I know I have to do something or I’ll be this perpetual blob of wonderful vibrant colors, but all splattered on the page and running together…eventually turning muddy and dark.
Some people when they feel stuck, they eventually shake themselves off & then plow on through. I usually can do that in a relatively short time. It’s that cockeyed optimist in me. I really haven’t been able to do that this year. I get my head just above the waterline then I’m pulled back down. I’m not saying I’m drowning in the abyss, but it’s very disconcerting to not be able to break through this barrier that I know should be more flimsy and less solidified.

This year especially I have seemed to be stuck on pause, not able to move into gear… I think it’s because I’m fully aware that I am now 45, still single, no relationship, no prospects for having children at this time, and a biological clock that is on its last power source.
I think I am truly in the middle of a mid-life crisis – but not the same kind as others go through since I don’t have the kids and family responsibilities. If this is my life and I’m not going to be a mother or a wife or eventually a grandparent and have everything that goes along with that – then what should I do with myself now that will propel me into my future and what will I do for the rest of my life if it’s not defined by a true career or family responsibilities?

I am feeling very drained. Drained of energy, drained of ambition, drained of the ability to shake myself up and dust myself off – which is very unlike me. 
On 9/14/08 I wrote…

“I want to wake up each morning – raring to go! Ready to be amazed by each new day and what miracles and greatness and beauty it will bring. I want to know that I’m making a difference by doing something meaningful and purposeful with my days, nights, time and life. I want to be excited about the possibilities the new day has…what new good things will happen today?”
Four years and these thoughts have yet to be realized. I think of the past, the wasted time not thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, not looking beyond the expectation that I would have a husband and children who would be the center of my world. I’d have a job that I liked but that was enough because it wasn’t a big part of my life…I’d have balanced outlines around the vast arrays of the colors of my life – it would be defined and vibrant and clear.  
I feel angry and stupid that I let all those chances that I could have taken just float away. I guess this is what happens when you just live life by the seat of your pants and don’t plan out any part of it.

I need to feel like what I’m doing and spending my time and energy on is truly useful, helpful and working towards the greater good – especially if this is going to be a main part of my life which at this juncture in time it is.
I think I really need some time. Time to not be thinking of where I should be at this point in my life, or what I should be doing, or where I should be doing it, or financial issues, or being lonely, or work, or being angry because I didn’t make any plans and just let my life go on as it has.

I don’t mean to whine about my life and I feel like I am – then of course I feel guilty for thinking this way. I really am grateful – for being alive, being healthy, having family and friends who love and care about me, having a roof over my head, food on my plate, a job – but something is still amiss and I can’t shake this heaviness that surrounds me and that has infiltrated every part of my being…