Monday, June 3, 2013

Heavy Head. Heavy Heart.

My head is very heavy. There’s this pressure right in the center and it feels like the rest of my head is floaty and being squeezed in a vice – all at the same time. And, it’s folding in on itself. I’m not sure if it’s my sinuses acting up, or all these random thoughts that pop in & out of my head - what seems like every nanosecond.

Sometimes I can just let it leave my mind – float away as if on a cloud. At other times, I know the thought path I’m headed down is a treacherous road to take and the thoughts seem to linger and fester until whatever I’m thinking about turns obsessive and consumes me, and I have to forcefully and with great effort push it out and dust my brain off-again. What a vicious circle in the web of life.

It could be my sinuses or the heat at Lestat’s on Park. The place is open and spacious & I’m always cold in coffee houses and cafes. Not sure what the hell is going on here. It’s funny because I was trying to concentrate on writing the Blog post I was ghost-writing and all the while getting a little aggravated with each new noise going on around me – the banging of the espresso machine filter, people talking, the slamming of the screen door (why can’t they just close it slowly & quietly?). Of course I could have stayed at home – but I just knew I needed to get out of the house to be productive today.

It could be that I was stressing out over ghost-writing the blog post – which I should have completed and sent last week, but I forgot most of the week and when I finally remembered, I couldn’t get motivated or clear my head enough to concentrate and get down to it. Even though my head doesn’t feel clear I got down to it, finished and submitted.
Last week I had some nails that were progressing very nicely. This week – they are all gone.  They all cracked on the edges and broke – like they always do. I guess that is good – I’m starting over, again, from scratch. Or, is it just a rehash of what happened the last time my fingernails grew...and eventually broke off? Like I said earlier - vicious circle; web of life.

I’m trying to look at this as it is – yet another opportunity for my fingernails to grow – that is the only expectation and pre-conceived notion I have on the matter. Otherwise the slate is empty.

Unfortunately, even though we want to think that our slate is crisp and clean, all shiny and new - it really isn’t. All our past experiences – good and bad – have formed the shape that is each of us today – now.  

People tell me I should take this time I have to write the book that I mentioned in my first blog post, but I can’t even seem to get motivated and write my blog posts with any regularity – so this may not be the time.

I really have no fear which is funny to me, because that is usually what stops me in my tracks. Fear of failure. Not so much this time. It’s because I have absolutely no expectations or preconceived notions at this time in the “project” – no plans. I’m just going to approach it like almost everything else – by the seat of my pants.

It’s funny because I know the ideas are there – I wrote down a bunch of possible chapters & categories years ago. I’m just feeling so stifled, bogged down and boxed in by my own heavy-headedness and repeated thoughts – most of the same thoughts I had yesterday, and the day before.

Apparently we each have 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day – of those, 90 percent are about our own needs, wants and concerns, 80 percent are negative, and according to research about 98 percent are the same thoughts we had the day before.

It’s no wonder I’m feeling sluggish and my head feels like it is being squeezed – too many rehashed, negative thoughts that apparently have not been resolved yet, and…I’m mainly thinking about myself! Talk about self-involved! Of course writing a personal blog is touched with a wee bit of narcissism.

Maybe I should do a purging – of the mind, heart and spirit. Actions speak louder than words…except when the action is writing down the words.