Public Speaking…or Fear of Death?

I’m currently on Goodreads and am thinking about “my book” that I have yet to start…and public speaking.

I figure if I do ever write my book then hopefully I will get some book signings and folks would also like me to read a chapter or two.

I’m so afraid of public speaking. I know I’m not the only one – it usually tops people’s fear lists – over and above fear of death.

But, I know if I did ever get this opportunity then I wouldn’t be quite as afraid because I know that I’d be speaking about a subject that I am very confident I know tons about…even if I am not an expert.

Since I am a confirmed and certified “Jane of All Trades” I feel as though I am truly a master of none…not even me, myself and I - hence all the personal growth books I own.

People who knew me way back when ask me how I could dance and do theatre (which I haven’t actively participated in for about 2 decades) and be afraid to speak in public. It’s because I don’t feel like I’m an expert – in anything. And, on stage in a play or musical - you are "playing" someone else. You have lines to read and a song to sing, choreography to dance. It's planned and structured, and even though it's "Live" and things can and do happen - you have the basic outline.

Also, I don’t want to sound stupid – there it is again…fear of failure! I believe it’s what keeps us in a state of static – not moving, not changing, not growing.

I’m okay with it if I am “teaching” or demonstrating something that I’ve been fully involved with – but it still is very uncomfortable because of all the public speakers who I’ve seen – they are solid and confident and strong and an expert in what they are talking about…or so it seems.

I know that’s why I shy away from public speaking, even though it probably is something that’s been holding me back in my “career.” Of course, not knowing what you want to BE when you grow up could also be added to the stall in my career trajectory.

I think it’s one of the main reasons I didn’t switch careers and become a teacher.  I don’t feel like I’m an expert in anything even though lots of people have told me I’d make a great teacher. I think also having the same bat-shit crazy English teacher 2 years in a row in high school kind of turned me off (guess who BMHSers?). Besides, I wanted to be an actress at that time.

I had a marathon last week of the first season of “Girls” and I am so happy that it won the Golden Globe last night and that Lena Dunham won for Best Actress in a TV Comedy/Musical.  I think it’s a leftover category name from the 70’s when there were lots of Variety Shows and probably had to be added back in because of “Glee”.

I totally envy Lena Dunham because at such a young age she KNEW what she wanted to be when she grew up and she totally went for it! I’m old enough to be her mother and I’m still flailing about like a teenager!

I don’t think it will be something I am ever going to be proactive at. Even if I feel comfortable with the subject matter I still get the massive jitters and I tend to rush through it and my voice is shaky.

Sound familiar? Don’t worry. Join the Club. You’re not alone!

Are Lefties in Their Right Mind?

I think I was supposed to be a lefty like my Mom.

Anyone who has met me knows that as far as my brain goes – I’m definitely leaning toward the RIGHT. And on the opposite spectrum my politics are definitely LEFT. Isn’t that interesting…or just average. You decide.

I have good hair – on the left side. It has a natural look about it. If I style it a certain way – it basically stays that way.

There’s a massive cowlick at the crown on my right side (the bain of my hair existence, ok…now add gray to that, but the bain of my hair none the less). An implanted tooth - on my right side. My bad back – right side (well, it shifts back & forth but I think that my left side is getting back at me for coddling the right side of my back for so long). The furrow in my brow…on my right side.

The issues I have on the left side of my body are scars – from cutting my finger, a scar on my left thigh from burning it with hot coffee, a scar on my knee from the coral in Hawaii, a scar on my nose from the skiing accident when I was 12, and the scar on my wrist from last year’s ganglion cyst removal.

I think all this happened because I’m off balance (insert, “No Shit Sherlock!” here), and should have been utilizing the left side of my body more than I do, so all these issues I have because I haven’t used the natural dominance that is the left side of my body.

I think if I had been utilizing the left side of my body more (because I really am a lefty), then I would not have had these accidents or issues that caused this mutilation of the previously perfect left side of what is ME!

Of course, I may just be losing my mind and am rambling on about total silliness that has wasted your precious time (insert, “Ummmm, Hell Ya!” here).

I appreciate the audience. I’ll be here all week. Thank you. Thank you very much! J

Gotta Dance!

It was a simple gesture…he found it in a store in Boston when he was at a class or a symposium. A pencil. That’s all it was. Just a pencil that is black with gold letting all over it. Gotta Dance is what it says.

He’s is gone. Yet I still linger on in a world full of chaos, greed and destruction - as well as kindness, love and sharing.

I hardly dance anymore. Yet it is one of the things I love to do more than anything. It's so freeing and fun and exhilarating.

A friend posted about Gabrielle Roth’s passing when I started writing this. I didn’t know who she was, but she was a saving grace in this gal’s life. She was a dancer, musician and shaman. I read more about her and am going to read more about her life, as well as her book, “Sweat Your Prayers.”

This news is why I was thinking of him. Thinking of her. Thinking of a pencil…

Only 2 of us received that very simple, very special gift. She was the other one. Even though I know where it is - still with me after 30 years - that gift is hidden in a drawer for me. For her, it seems to be her mantra. Her savior.

As I pick up writing this post again, I’m listening to The Carpenters singing, “A Song for You” – I always think of him when I hear Karen’s deep, gorgeous, mellow, strong Alto because I know how much he loved her voice and their music.

It’s also the time of year when we automatically take more moments to pause and think of who and what we are grateful for.

So, I had to pick up this post again. To finish it and to send my prayers of thanks to a special person who has been in my thoughts lately.

I miss you P.C.

You are always in my heart and left an indelible mark on my soul. I hope you have met up with Karen Carpenter’s soul in heaven where I know you are…singing and dancing!

Passing on Words of Wisdom…or Butting In???

I’ve noticed it before, but it has recently become more prevalent to me…I butt in where I’m not wanted or meant to. We all do it, but once you become aware or it’s blatantly pointed out to you in some context – it really sinks in. Although sometimes it takes a few hundred times before it sinks in…eventually you get the point, or you don’t and you keep pissing people off – usually those closest to you.

I’ve done it personally, professionally, as well as with strangers. It’s the “Helper Bee” in me. Sometimes it’s welcomed, sometimes it’s not.

I have noticed that as I get older, I really want to share my “older and wiser” anecdotes and thoughts and ideas and experience with those younguns in my life. Sometimes it seems like they are listening and engaged and getting something from it…usually not. But of course, we all did it. We think we know it all…it’s a gift to be that independent and sure of yourself, and a curse because a lot of times it has blown up in our face. That’s the true meaning of live and learn.

I think with strangers it can go either way and they either thank you so much for your help, or they give you the stank eye or the “you are a nutcase” eye!

I do also tend to repeat myself…either I think I’m being ignored because someone hasn’t acknowledged that they heard me, or they are choosing to ignore me, or I feel that what I am saying really is important and I really want to make my point, or I just feel like I’m right and I really want to point out that fact…sometimes it’s a “I told you so” moment.

All part of the growing process I guess…you learn or become more aware about something about yourself – a character “flaw” (although that may not be the right term – but some would use that phrase – I like to use the term “quirk” – we’re all quirky in our own ways)…then you choose to ignore it and go on as you normally would, or you stop and then  make the choice – do you want to be more aware and change that characteristic or do you just go on and have it continue to be part of your make up.

I’ve decided to “give up the ghost” on repeating myself incessantly…it’s quite a fitting time since Halloween is next week!

FEAR.

Why we do things. Why we don’t do things.

I believe that everything comes down to one thing - Fear of Failure.

No matter how I spin it, it comes down to not just Fear itself, but Fear of Failure. I believe all fear, except for fear of physically being hurt, all boils down to a Fear of Failure. Sure, you can put it in different connotations, but in the end that is what it is:  

• Not being accepted or not belonging
• Not being good enough (or thin enough or pretty enough or young enough or talented enough, etc.)
• Being or just feeling Rejected
• Not living up to expectations – others or our own
• Being alone – fear at being comfortable in your own skin & with yourself. Or fear that you don’t deserve to be with other people, are unworthy of that
• Giving ourselves over to someone else
• Having children or not having children – a fear to the norm or what society expects, fear of being considered selfish, of being looked at as failing to find a mate. With people who are sterile or have issues conceiving, the fear is of not being normal or not being a “real” man or a woman
• Trying something new – pure fear in our abilities or fear of failing
• Changing the way we do something – Fear that it won’t be as good as before or that we’re doing it wrong
• Giving up a habit or trying to better yourself – fear of failing

Things that a lot of people do when they have fear:

• Procrastinate
• Stress
• Get emotional
• Don’t even try
• Shut down
• Blame others
• Lash out
• Indulge in things & people we know are bad for us

I know. I’ve done them all.

I got very little feedback and very little “atta Girl’s” or "Likes" on Facebook, which is where most of my readers seem to come from, on my last post.  

 

Of course, I have over 1000 “friends” – so you would think my readership would be more than only 3,000 total – and of course I believe that number is wrong because I was counting my own views when editing…the marketing analytics folks are shaking their heads because I should have put the precautions in place for no counting my own hits ;( …but I digress (read, “Attention Deficit Ooooo Shiny, and other Quirks" if you haven’t already and you’ll understand) -(http://midlifermusings.blogspot.com/2012/04/attention-deficit-ooooo-shiny-and-other.html).

 

...I think it’s because I had told everyone how stuck and unmoving and undefined my life has felt this year…I guess it was less insightful and probably less optimistic than my previous blog adventures, so I think I lost a few people…but that was the leap I needed to take – whether I failed or not. I had pushed the fear aside and open the door.

 

I really struggled with the decision o whether or not to put all that out there and share it, or hold on tight….but I was drowning and needed a release. I thank you for giving me the space and making me feel safe enough to open up and pour out!

You have to realize – that was quite a feat for me of staring my fear of failure in the eyes & pushing through. I needed to do it. It was time.

After writing and posting it, I’ve felt a little bit lighter, less weighed down. I’ve been more open & aware of how I am feeling which always helps me to come back to the present and live in the moment, and to not dwell.

It was exactly what I needed to kick down the door and take a step into the right direction even though I have no idea where it will take me…I’m sure I’ll come upon a crossroads as I venture forth in cleaning out the cobwebs, clearing my head and walking forward to the sunshine to shake my tail feathers!

I’ve moved past the fear and am pushing forward, taking baby steps to get myself out of my funk and change my juju…are you ready to give whatever fear of failure you have a swift kick in the ass and a firm push out the door so you can take a deep breath and plunge right in with both feet?

Are you? Then Join Me!

Life. Undefined.

“My life feels like a piece of scrap paper all colored with crayon markings without distinct black lines to guide me where to go.”

Fishbowl by Sarah Mlynowski

I had to look up this quote to see what book I had read it in because I had the quote in a notebook and always remember it, but didn’t know which book I had first seen it in. Glad I found it – always like to give credit where it is due!

Apparently, on 12/14/08 I felt like this. And here we are almost 4 years later and I STILL feel this way. I know life can change at the drop of a dime, but if no big changes are made or events happen, then it can seem like it just stays the same – not moving, not changing, not defined.

BUT, I have made some strides since that day. Not many, but some. Yet here I sit and I feel like not much has changed and I know I have to do something or I’ll be this perpetual blob of wonderful vibrant colors, but all splattered on the page and running together…eventually turning muddy and dark.

Some people when they feel stuck, they eventually shake themselves off & then plow on through. I usually can do that in a relatively short time. It’s that cockeyed optimist in me. I really haven’t been able to do that this year. I get my head just above the waterline then I’m pulled back down. I’m not saying I’m drowning in the abyss, but it’s very disconcerting to not be able to break through this barrier that I know should be more flimsy and less solidified.

This year especially I have seemed to be stuck on pause, not able to move into gear… I think it’s because I’m fully aware that I am now 45, still single, no relationship, no prospects for having children at this time, and a biological clock that is on its last power source.

I think I am truly in the middle of a mid-life crisis – but not the same kind as others go through since I don’t have the kids and family responsibilities. If this is my life and I’m not going to be a mother or a wife or eventually a grandparent and have everything that goes along with that – then what should I do with myself now that will propel me into my future and what will I do for the rest of my life if it’s not defined by a true career or family responsibilities?

I am feeling very drained. Drained of energy, drained of ambition, drained of the ability to shake myself up and dust myself off – which is very unlike me. 

On 9/14/08 I wrote…

“I want to wake up each morning – raring to go! Ready to be amazed by each new day and what miracles and greatness and beauty it will bring. I want to know that I’m making a difference by doing something meaningful and purposeful with my days, nights, time and life. I want to be excited about the possibilities the new day has…what new good things will happen today?”

Four years and these thoughts have yet to be realized. I think of the past, the wasted time not thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, not looking beyond the expectation that I would have a husband and children who would be the center of my world. I’d have a job that I liked but that was enough because it wasn’t a big part of my life…I’d have balanced outlines around the vast arrays of the colors of my life – it would be defined and vibrant and clear.  

I feel angry and stupid that I let all those chances that I could have taken just float away. I guess this is what happens when you just live life by the seat of your pants and don’t plan out any part of it.

I need to feel like what I’m doing and spending my time and energy on is truly useful, helpful and working towards the greater good – especially if this is going to be a main part of my life which at this juncture in time it is.

I think I really need some time. Time to not be thinking of where I should be at this point in my life, or what I should be doing, or where I should be doing it, or financial issues, or being lonely, or work, or being angry because I didn’t make any plans and just let my life go on as it has.

I don’t mean to whine about my life and I feel like I am – then of course I feel guilty for thinking this way. I really am grateful – for being alive, being healthy, having family and friends who love and care about me, having a roof over my head, food on my plate, a job – but something is still amiss and I can’t shake this heaviness that surrounds me and that has infiltrated every part of my being…

Review of "The Eyes of the Desert Sand (Chrysalis Chronicles #1)"

The Eyes of the Desert Sand by Edwin Wolfe
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I think the story would make an intriguing movie or series of movies – it’s an engaging story with a blend of elements of fantasy, history, sci-fi, mythology and reality, along with an array of characters and settings that you can imagine visually as you are reading.

The book just gives you a taste of each character and their personalities. It seems to jump right into the action, but I guess that’s what you have to do in a Youth-oriented story. I would have liked to get a little more in-depth into the characters and the storyline as a whole.

As an adult, I am so used to reading longer books that really dive deep into character personalities, their psychology, main character backgrounds, locales and sometimes inner-monologues of characters that I felt a little disappointed not to have more background - it delved right into The Residence, but I still felt a little lost at the beginning because it happened so fast.

The ending was a great setup for the next book in the series. I look forward to reading more about the world in the Chrysalis Chronicles, watch the richness of the characters grow, and the story unfold. And after that, I look forward to seeing the series emerge on the big screen!

View all my reviews