Fishbowl
by Sarah Mlynowski
I had to look up this quote to see what book I had read it
in because I had the quote in a notebook and always remember it, but didn’t
know which book I had first seen it in. Glad I found it – always like to give
credit where it is due!
Apparently, on 12/14/08 I felt like this. And here we are
almost 4 years later and I STILL feel this way. I know life can change at the
drop of a dime, but if no big changes are made or events happen, then it can
seem like it just stays the same – not moving, not changing, not defined.
BUT, I have made some strides since that day. Not many, but
some. Yet here I sit and I feel like not much has changed and I know I have to
do something or I’ll be this perpetual blob of wonderful vibrant colors, but
all splattered on the page and running together…eventually turning muddy and
dark.
Some people when they feel stuck, they eventually shake
themselves off & then plow on through. I usually can do that in a
relatively short time. It’s that cockeyed optimist in me. I really haven’t been
able to do that this year. I get my head just above the waterline then I’m
pulled back down. I’m not saying I’m drowning in the abyss, but it’s very
disconcerting to not be able to break through this barrier that I know should
be more flimsy and less solidified.
This year especially I have seemed to be stuck on pause, not
able to move into gear… I think it’s because I’m fully aware that I am now 45,
still single, no relationship, no prospects for having children at this time,
and a biological clock that is on its last power source.
I think I am truly in the middle of a mid-life crisis – but
not the same kind as others go through since I don’t have the kids and family
responsibilities. If this is my life and I’m not going to be a mother or a wife
or eventually a grandparent and have everything that goes along with that –
then what should I do with myself now that will propel me into my future and what
will I do for the rest of my life if it’s not defined by a true career or
family responsibilities?
I am feeling very drained. Drained of energy, drained of
ambition, drained of the ability to shake myself up and dust myself off – which
is very unlike me.
On 9/14/08 I wrote…
“I want to wake up each morning – raring to go! Ready to be
amazed by each new day and what miracles and greatness and beauty it will
bring. I want to know that I’m making a difference by doing something
meaningful and purposeful with my days, nights, time and life. I want to be
excited about the possibilities the new day has…what new good things will happen
today?”
Four years and these thoughts have yet to be realized. I
think of the past, the wasted time not thinking about what I wanted to be when
I grew up, not looking beyond the expectation that I would have a husband and
children who would be the center of my world. I’d have a job that I liked but that
was enough because it wasn’t a big part of my life…I’d have balanced outlines
around the vast arrays of the colors of my life – it would be defined and
vibrant and clear.
I feel angry and stupid that I let all those chances that I
could have taken just float away. I guess this is what happens when you just
live life by the seat of your pants and don’t plan out any part of it.
I need to feel like what I’m doing and spending my time and
energy on is truly useful, helpful and working towards the greater good –
especially if this is going to be a main part of my life which at this juncture
in time it is.
I think I really need some time. Time to not be thinking of
where I should be at this point in my life, or what I should be doing, or where
I should be doing it, or financial issues, or being lonely, or work, or being
angry because I didn’t make any plans and just let my life go on as it has.
I don’t mean to whine about my life and I feel like I am –
then of course I feel guilty for thinking this way. I really am grateful – for
being alive, being healthy, having family and friends who love and care about
me, having a roof over my head, food on my plate, a job – but something is
still amiss and I can’t shake this heaviness that surrounds me and that has
infiltrated every part of my being…
Being a wife, mother, sister, aunt, & nana doesn't define me. It tells about the roles I hold.
ReplyDeleteYou are Laurie, A very warm, witty, intelligent woman. You have talent & are still working on being you.
It's easy to get stuck in what seems like a time warp where nothng goes forward or backward. It is working.
You know writers get,"Writers Block". We get, "Life Blocks" that's where you are. It will move for you. Hope you take it & run with it when it does. Titles don't define who you are, you define who you are.
Love you to pieces my niece{s}. <3
Aunt Gerry J
Laurie is the very fact that you are asking questions shows that you are still very present to life's experience. Interestingly enough I do not think you are alone with thoughts like these. I agree with the idea that we all experience "Life Blocks". What I would add is perhaps this is a time for many of us to "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable." There are answers in stillness, delay and disappointment. We are given volumes of information but the part we are to hear is spoken in a whisper. That is the part you and many of us need to tune into. Okay, think I am rambling on but you can only live this moment so forget about what didn't happen. That is the most unworthy thing we can do to ourselves. You contribute in ways that you are not measuring. Some of us notice what you add and its good. So smile at the impact you are and currently having on others. :)
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